Beware the Timewaster...

I was walking down an average road – in my typical awesome fashion – the other day when, much to my surprise, I was unexpectingly stopped. My forward trajectory was ceased by what appeared to be a particularly scruffy vagabond whose only possession was a stench so foul that my olfaction organ desperately desired the appendages necessary to end its life. “Change?” the vagrant enquired on a breath so strong that I considered the possibility that by merely smelling it one could become intoxicated. “In your case I would certainly recommend change! To start with I would suggest a shower or some other mechanism designed to alleviate that ungodly odour...” With that sharp rebuke I was hastily on my way, not wishing to engage the man in any further conversation and wanting nothing more than to bury my head in the nearest trashcan to alleviate my nose’s suffering.

As I briskly – and awesomely – marched off I found that I was, to my horror, stopped again. This time the perpetrator of the heinous crime of wasting my ultra-valuable (and handsome) time was some left-wing liberal nut-bag with some variety of sharp, woodcutting implement to grind. From beneath his wild beard the man muttered in a voice fuelled by moral outrage and an unjustified sense of moral superiority “How can you not help a fellow brother in need, man? We’re all just trying to survive in this crazy world, man, we got to, like, help each other out, you dig?”

“I most certainly do not dig!” I responded angrily, “If I wished for a landscape inversion (i.e. hole) to occur I would hire a terra firma readjustment consultant (i.e. Gardner) to facilitate the aforementioned project!” Unfortunately for the grungy hippy my rant was yet to conclude. “How dare you imply that I do nothing to help my fellow man? I aid all people by simply existing, so that they might know what true awesomeness is! Why, you yourself have received the extreme honour of being on the receiving end of one of my rants! Surely this moment, right now, will be the highlight of your dull, pointless life. On your headstone it will read: ‘Smelly Pothead – He lived, got backed, and spent a few minutes in the same spatial topography as the great Dr Awesome.’ It is because of you, and people like you, that good, honest, hard working Australians have to endure the horror that is Bob Brown!” After that apt jab at the contemporary political landscape I made good my escape.


Behold my Umbrella of Justice!


With hurried steps I continued down the road. Weary of the old adage that negative incidence generally manifest in a series of three occurrences I quickened my heels, desperate to be free of this apparent social melting pot of poor people and liberals inclined towards social reform <cold shiver>. Looking over my shoulder, I failed to pay due attention to objects located within the physical space which I had hoped to occupy in the immediate future as I transitioned myself forward in the previously mentioned accelerated fashion. In doing so I noticed the third obstacle on my pathway to freedom too late. They were on me, there was no escape! They were going to stop me and engage me in tedious conversation which I was not remotely interested in! Reacting on a purely primal level, with the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis evoking the ancient fight-or-flight response, I rained a series of blows down on the would-be timewaster with my Umbrella of Justice. With a mighty leap I cleared the unconscious simpleton and bravely ran away. I looked back only to confirm that the rest of the girl scouts were not chasing me. Thankfully they were occupied with tending to their fallen comrade. Once again I had saved myself from despair... and high fat snacks...