BREAKING NEWS: Chickens are smarter than humans

I know you’re probably still reeling from the profound truth outlined in the titled, so I will give you a moment to catch your breath. Sit down, have a cup of tea and take a deep breath... and if you did do all of that, there is a good chance you are dead right now. If you’re not dead then quickly go and lock all the doors/windows/secret entrances to your lair then make a tinfoil hat and put it on before reading on.

Have you done all that? Good, then we can continue on uninterrupted.

There is a good chance that those who were reading this and who were complacent enough to stop for relaxation and refreshing beverages are dead, victims of the chicken uprising which is unfolding as you read the very text that I have been writing at some point... Research has proven – and I mean DEFINITIVELY proven, unlike that global warming mumbo-jumbo – that chickens are indeed smarter than humans. A shocking, explosive, tasty reality which we must confront if we wish to survive. Now that the chickens have been exposed as the genius future overlords of humanity, their sinister plot will surely unfold faster then we mere humans could possibly respond. Humanity could be wiped out over night by this delicious threat unless we respond with due haste... Below I have outlined an easy to use, step by step guide on how to survive the great feathered menace:

Step 1. Chicken proof your home: Chickens cannot peck your eyes out and enslave your family if they can’t get to you, so the first step you should take is to chicken proof your home. Close all entrances and board up windows (chickens lack the opposable digits required to operate a door handle, meaning they are likely to command the low ranking amongst them to selflessly throw themselves through your glass windows, etc., in order to gain entry...). If you have chicken wire lying about (as I’m sure most of you do...), now is the time to use it.

Step 2. Relocation: Ensconced within your fortified chicken proof bunker, it is time to consider your next move. While it may be safe for the moment, there will come a time when you will run out of food, water, and board games to keep you sane (the World Health Organisation recommends that you only play Monopoly no more than once a week, any more can trigger a psychotic episode known as MIP [Monopoly Induced Psychosis]; also know as Mono-Rage and Parker Brothers’ Syndrome). Relocation will be your only salvation, but you will need to know where to go and how to get there undetected.


Lord Buk-Geck, Chicken Emperor & soon-to-be Over-Lord of the Human Race

By now the chickens have, undoubtedly, crushed any human resistance and are beginning the process of enslaving humanity. Unfortunately for you, this also means that they have tasted human flesh and developed a taste for its deliciousness. As you move about chicken occupied territory, you are going to want to mask your tantalisingly tasty aroma. I recommend rubbing chicken stock all over your body. That will throw the chickens off your alluring human scent... A chicken free location is going to be hard to find, as they will spread quickly and ruthlessly across the land. However there are two potential localities which may offer safe haven. The first is chicken free islands (try the Canary Islands; chickens and canaries have a long history of antagonism and you may be able to enlist the canaries as allies in our struggle against our mutual, and flavoursome, adversary...). Chickens can neither fly nor operate a speed boat – well, they can, just not particularly well – making these territories far more difficult for them to conquer. The second is the polar ice caps. Having heard stories of how humans would pluck and freeze their fallen ancestors, it is unlikely the chicken overlords would be keen to visit the Polar Regions... plus I don’t think that they would be able to find snow gear that would fit them...

Step 3. The Fight Back: If we humans are good at anything it is wiping out entire species. We did it during the great Dodo Uprising of 1755, we can do it again. Start small, gather as many family and friends as you can with whatever weapons you can find. Use abandoned KFC outlets as outposts (they are already feared by the chickens who view them as a symbol of their oppression... plus they will be equipped with everything needed to deep fry any chickens that have crossed your path). Slowly but surely humanity will fight back and regain the world from these murderous birds...

Look into the eye of your enemy... & tremble...

So what is the motivation of this seemingly innocent bird? Well, have you ever wondered why everything tastes like chicken? The answer will shock, surprise, and possibly confuse you... Darwin was right, evolution is fact, but what he missed was an undeniable truth: all species around the world are descended from the chicken. The chicken is the genetic template upon which all other life on this planet is built... and after millennia of plotting and lying in wait, they are ready to take back the world which they believe is rightfully theirs.

Armed with this knowledge, I hope that I have better prepared you for the onslaught which is surely just around the corner, if not unfolding as you read this! So be alert, get prepared, and, my friends, above all: stay alive! Our enemy is a crafty one (not to mention tasty...) but we will prevail...